


It Was an Ordinary Night, At Least it Started Out That Way

by Megalomaniacal



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: F/M, Lik lik, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-24
Updated: 2017-10-24
Packaged: 2019-01-22 04:39:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12473680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Megalomaniacal/pseuds/Megalomaniacal
Summary: Look, is getting groomed like a cat by your ex weird? Yes. Is it illegal? I wish.





	It Was an Ordinary Night, At Least it Started Out That Way

**Author's Note:**

> Why do I keep writing gross weird fics lmao
> 
> Also the title

"Lick me? Seriously Maureen? You want to fucking lick me now?" Dennis cursed, rubbing his hand over his face, obviously frustrated. "Jesus fucking Christ, Maureen. I'm not letting you do that freaky cat shit to me." 

She pawed at him, gloved hand pressed to his chest. "I'll reduce your alimony payments. Dennis."

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "Jesus Christ- by how much?"

"Ten dollars?" She dragged her hand down, resting it on the hem of Dennis's shirt. "Just let me groom you."

"I'm not letting you lick-"

"Fifteen?"

Dennis took a deep, deep breath, closing his eyes and trying to contain himself. 

 

"Alright. Fine. Lick me." 

Maureen began slowly unbuttoning his shirt, gazing up at him with her creepy yellow eyes, the contacts making her pupil look like a tiny black slit. It made him extremely uncomfortable. "Meow." She grinned at him, carefully pulling his shirt off once she'd finished with the buttons. His gut was twisting into knots that told him this was wrong, gross, weird, and uncomfortable- but he didn't stop her. 

"Let's meow-ve to the bed." Maureen purred, pawing at his now bare chest. He almost laughed at the way she was speaking but held back, following her and her weird fake tail into his bedroom. This was one recording that he would be burning. "Co-meow on." 

He sighed. "Maureen, I'm not doing this if you keep turning all your words into fucking meows. It's weird."

"It's Bastet." She scolded, yellow slit eyes narrowing. She waved a hand in the air, hissing. "Now quiet and lay meow-n, let me groom you." 

"Jesus Christ." Dennis murmured to himself, casting Maureen a sideways glance before laying down on the bed, chest bare but his pants still up, on, and fastened by his belt. She quickly changed that, carefully removing his belt and playfully clawing at his hip, stopping when he cursed loudly and smacked her hand away. She pouted up at him, an expression made extremely weird by her surgically enhanced cheekbones, and went back to unbutton and remove his pants. She left his boxers on, thankfully. 

She moved up to wave her hand in front of his face and meow before moving to start licking his chest. He found it repulsive, actually, and decided to stare at the ceiling instead of watch her weirdly pink tongue toying with the small curls of hair on his chest. Her tongue felt wet and dry at the same time, scratchier than a healthy human tongue should be, and he almost started cursing when he felt it slide over one of his nipples. 

Dennis had beautiful, sensitive, pink, dime-sized nipples. He liked his nips quite a lot, but their sensitivity was an issue when he had his weird cat ex-wife licking at his nips because there was hair around them. She just kept fucking licking, finally moving further down his chest, as if she was actually trying to clean him with her tongue. 

He was going to need a long, hot shower once she was done. 

"You smeow-ll good," Maureen purred, making Dennis cringe. "Good hygiene. Even better with me-ow here."

Dennis took a deep breath and didn't say anything, closing his eyes as she resumed 'grooming' him. She was down to his navel now, making sure to thoroughly clean his hair before moving down to his legs. She spent a lot of time on his thighs- he had fucking beautiful thighs- and even licked his knees. It felt gross, made him regret telling her she could do it- but he'd be happy when he didn't have to pay as much next month. 

When she finally- after what felt like thirty fucking years- finished 'grooming' his body, she moved back up to straddle his chest and nuzzle her face in his hair. Dennis felt a little sick, thinking about her licking up the hair products and ruining his perfectly styled hair. He took deep breaths, trying to think of something other than the tongue on his scalp. 

"All clean." Maureen finally spoke, getting off of him and standing beside the bed. She coughed a bit from what he assumed was hair in her throat and smiled. "Thank you."

"Yeah, yeah." Dennis sat up, wrinkling his nose in disgust. "Now get the hell outta here so I can shower." 

When Dennis finally came out to the kitchen a few hours later, Mac was standing there staring in confusion at a clump of hair on the floor. 

"Dude, what's this? It looks like someone let a cat into our apartment." Mac wrinkled his nose. 

Dennis just shrugged. "I have no idea, man. No idea."


End file.
